Keys to a Successful Relationship
It
is distressing when a person tells me that they have never observed—or
experienced—what they consider to be a successful romantic relationship.
Statements like, “Maybe good relationships just don’t exist," or, "No
one in my family ever had a good relationship” usually follow such a
declaration. Many people enter are distressed
because of relationship difficulties. Some eventually feel that they
are doomed to always have trouble or fail in their effort to enjoy a
successful romantic partnership.
It is very common in the present world to meet people who will often tell you that the trajectory of their
romantic lives has been downhill. Frustrations and disappointments
develop in long-term relationships as early as a few years—sometimes
even a few months—after the honeymoon ends and “normal life” begins.
We
should all remember that there is no ideal romantic relationship, it
take deliberate action and hard work to make your relationship
self-improvement.
Following are 7 ingredients that can help to establish—and sustain—a positive and successful romantic partnership:
1. Handling anger and avoiding arguments.
A major problem with anger and the resulting arguments is that
neither partner does much, if anything, to avoid them. Perhaps motivated
by the need to prevail, or be “right,” about the conflict-arousing
issue, one partner “takes the bait” and gets sucked into an argument
that could have been avoided if one of them had seen to it that the
conversation—however emotionally charged—had remained conversational or
been postponed until calm was restored. This is not always easy, but
certainly possible.
2. Listening to each other.
This is extremely important. Couples in conflict are often so busy
preparing their indictment of the other person, or their defense of
themselves, that they simply do not listen or hear what is being said.
Thus, their responses are often not responses at all, but just
statements that may be entirely unrelated to what was just said to them.
This is one of the main reasons why so many couples repeatedly recycle
the same arguments and rarely, if ever, feel as though any conversation
(or “attack and defend” exchange) accomplishes anything. Couples often
need help to learn to listen to each other so that the dynamic between
them changes to one that is productive. That is the job of good therapy.
3. Saying “I’m sorry."
I continue to be amazed at how difficult this is for so many people,
both in and out of romantic partnerships. I often hear statements like,
“I know it’s the right thing to do, and I feel sorry: I just can’t say
it!” Such responses suggest the likelihood that the individual might
feel “weak” or “defeated” if they publicly acknowledge sorrow or regret.
4. Expressing gratitude.
When partners feel and express gratitude or appreciation for each
other, each feels cherished and valued—and it enhances the relationship.
Expressions of appreciation do not have to be confined to major
gestures or actions. “Thank you, honey, for feeding the dog," or, "I
really appreciate your picking up my prescription,” can be just as
meaningful as a thank-you for a monumental gift or kindness.
5. Changing.
Yes, changing. By this I refer to what might be considered
the “little things” that become big when they persist over time. These
are the kinds of changes that, with some effort, might be easy to
accomplish and deliver far greater dividends than the investment
required to achieve them. If a wife tells her husband, for example, that
she really appreciates getting a greeting card on her birthday and
anniversary, I am bewildered by his seeming refusal to gratify her,
regardless of whether or not it means anything to him. If a husband
informs his wife that he does not want to be interrupted by phone calls
while at the gym, unless there is an emergency, I am similarly
bewildered by her not cooperating and calling about nonessential matters
during that time. When people feel ignored or, worse, devalued by their
partners, resentments develop that can become toxic.
6. Treating each other as special.
A wife once complained that upon leaving a party, her husband helped
every other woman guest on with her coat—except her. When she questioned
him about this, his reply was, “Well, that’s because you’re my wife!”
Her response: “That’s the point!” That she felt taken for granted was
not surprising. Moments like this may be insignificant if they are
infrequent, but if they typify an attitude or are common in the
relationship, they have the potential to cause diminished regard and
affection for the offending partner.
7. Hurting with words.
The damage potential of comments made in the heat of battle is
extremely high. There is a tendency on the part of the offending partner
to dismiss or trivialize those remarks afterward. Saying, “I didn’t
really mean it, I was just angry,” often makes things worse, especially
if there is no sincere apology attached. Words can cause wounds that may
not easily heal when calm is restored. They are often referenced when a
subsequent argument occurs, i.e., “I’ll never forget the time you told
me, ‘Drop dead.’”
These are but a few of what might be considered “ingredients” of a
successful romantic relationship—and, perhaps, any relationship,
especially ones that may involve conflict. Every one of these
ingredients is best used by both partners when, above all else, they
remember that the person with whom they are having conflict may be the
very person whom they love the most, and who loves them the same way.
0 comments:
Post a Comment